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February 05, 2004

How Not To Do Yoga

Rodney Yee? you can just go ahead and bite me right now. Yeah, I’m talking to you, Rodney, with your virile ponytail and luridly bulging hot pants. When you tell me to stand on my head and sniff my fucking armpit, I do it. Even when I forgot my deodorant that morning. Half fucking Moon pose? Yeah, I can’t do that one for shit. But do I take a Ben & Jerry’s break when you tell me to do it? No, Rodney, I do not. No, Rodney, because I’ve moved my freaking brain into my heart like you told me to, and so have no brain with which to resist your evil. Rodney, you might be enjoying the shit out of your practice, but you know what? You’re on a fucking mountaintop in Hawaii. I’m stuck here trying not to break my freakishly-long arms on my furniture when you tell me to swan dive forward forty-fucking-three times in a row. And also, the paper mill downwind is really starting to stink the joint up right now so excuse me if I can’t focus enough to turn, turn, and then turn even more. But really, Rodney? all of this is small potatoes compared to when you tell me to move my pubis away from my buttocks flesh. And then you say it again. Pubis. Buttocks Flesh. Flesh of Buttocks with a side of Pubis. So even though I’m a drooling brainless yoga zombie right now, when you keep saying those words, you are only hurting yourself. As we speak, my medulla oblongata is doing a little stretching itself, folding in half and reaching on down into my heart to rip that goddamned party guy cerebellum from whatever mindless orgy’s going on down there. And the more often you say it, Mr. Pubis Buttocks Fleshman, III, the more likely it is that I’m gonna come on over there, Rodney, and kick you in your unnaturally rounded BUTTOCKS FLESH.

Namaste this, bitch.

Yoga.jpg

February 05, 2004 |

Comments

abby

My mom told me she thinks Rodney Yee is hot (not her words, I think she put it something like "He's...a very att...ractive man who wears very little clothing....") and now I can't keep that out of my head when I do his tapes. Ack.

Posted by: abby | February 05, 2004 at 02:40 PM

Coleen

And this? Is why I don't do yoga, sister.

Posted by: Coleen | February 05, 2004 at 06:40 PM

claire

I can't agree with you more. I tried to do the abs yoga video, but the lifting, and lowering, lifting and lowering over and over closeups of our pal Rod's package were icky. I think I tried to give the video away. Maybe I'll ask my mom if she wants it.

Posted by: claire | February 24, 2004 at 08:49 PM

Alli

Word! Except I have freakishly short arms. Well, not freakishly, just short. Maybe I'm just kidding myself. But my palms are about an inch off the ground when I sit on my buttocks flesh.

Posted by: Alli | February 27, 2004 at 08:00 AM

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